Arousal: What Turns You On—And What Might Be Turning You Off
One important way to explore your sexual health is by understanding what influences your experience of sexual arousal. Simply put, arousal is the feeling of being “turned on.” It's how your body and mind respond to sexual cues around and within you—what you see, hear, touch, taste, and smell, as well as your internal thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations.
A useful framework to understand how this works is called the Dual Control Model. This model explains arousal through the interaction of two systems:
The Sexual Excitation System (SES) – your accelerator
The Sexual Inhibition System (SIS) – your brakes
Together, these systems determine whether your arousal increases or decreases.
The Sexual Excitation System (SES): Your Inner Accelerator
Think of your Sexual Excitation System as the gas pedal. It picks up on sexually relevant signals in your environment and encourages your body and mind to “go.” What stimulates your accelerator is deeply personal and shaped by your unique experiences. For some people, it might be reading a romantic novel, the scent of a partner, or receiving a sensual massage. For others, it might be thoughtful conversation, emotional intimacy, or imagining sexual fantasies.
The Sexual Inhibition System (SIS): Your Inner Brakes
On the flip side, the Sexual Inhibition System is like your brakes. It responds to cues that suggest arousal isn’t safe, appropriate, or possible in the moment—and tells your body to “slow down” or “stop.” These inhibitory signals vary for everyone. They can include feeling rushed, being in a public space, engaging in activities that aren’t enjoyable, or being preoccupied with stress. Emotional distractions, anxiety, or feeling disconnected can all hit the brakes and reduce arousal.
Why This Matters
If you're feeling a dip in sexual desire or struggling with arousal, this model can offer valuable insights. While popular culture tends to focus on ways to “turn on” the accelerator—like trying new lingerie or acting out fantasies—it’s just as important (if not more so) to understand and reduce what’s activating your brakes.
Imagine trying to drive with your foot on the gas while the brakes are still on. It’s no surprise the car doesn’t move. Research shows that the most common barrier to sexual desire isn’t a lack of stimulation—it’s having too many things activating the inhibition system. Addressing these factors is often the key to meaningful change.
Moving Forward: Getting to Know Your Accelerator and Brakes
Everyone has different levels of sensitivity to their accelerator and brakes, and that’s completely normal. Having a more sensitive brake or a less reactive accelerator than your partner doesn’t mean anything is wrong—it just means you're wired differently. Context also plays a big role. A kiss on the neck from your partner might feel exciting and arousing when you're relaxed and cuddling, but the same kiss after a stressful day or in front of your family might feel totally different. That’s normal.
To better understand your arousal patterns, try reflecting on a few sexual experiences—some that felt really good, and others that didn’t. What might have been pressing your brakes or revving your accelerator in those moments? This reflection can help you gain clarity and compassion for yourself, especially if you’ve been struggling.
“My Brakes Are On… What Now?”
If you notice that your brakes are firmly on, start by identifying the biggest factors contributing to that. Where possible, try to reduce or manage these pressures. Sometimes you can directly address them—like setting aside time, creating privacy, or asking for what you need. Other times, the stressors are outside your immediate control—such as financial strain or caregiving responsibilities. In those cases, focus on supporting yourself in other ways, like moving your body, talking to a friend, journaling, or practicing mindfulness. These can all help reduce overall stress and gently ease your foot off the brake.
From there, you can begin exploring what brings you pleasure and gently taps your accelerator. This balanced approach—easing the brakes while inviting in arousal—can help you rediscover desire over time.
Need More Support?
If you’ve explored these ideas and still feel stuck, remember that you're not alone. Talking to a qualified health professional can be a helpful next step. Professional support can offer deeper insight and strategies tailored to your unique needs and experiences.
Written by Clinical Psychologist Ashley Depasquale