Making Sense of Sexual Desire

Many people quietly question their level of sexual desire—wondering if it’s too low, too high, or simply different from what they think it should  be. In therapy, some of the most common questions are: “Am I normal?” “How much sex should I be having?” and “Why do my needs feel so different from my partner’s?”

Without open conversations or reliable information, it’s easy to feel confused or alone. On top of that, media and pop culture often promote unrealistic expectations around sex, relationships, and desire, which can add even more pressure.

In reality, sexual desire is a deeply personal and ever-changing experience. It can be shaped by many factors—like emotions, relationships, health, and life circumstances.

In the sections below, we’ll explore what sexual desire is, how it can show up in different ways, what might influence it, and how you can better understand or reconnect with your own experience.

What Is Sexual Desire?

Sexual desire—often referred to as libido—is the internal experience of wanting sexual pleasure or connection. This experience can shift over time, and whilst this is very normal, it can often be met with feelings of sadness, frustration and confusion. These emotions can feel even more intense when we’re in relationships or seeking intimacy, especially if our desire doesn’t match that of our partners.
If you're experiencing changes in desire, it’s important to know that you’re not alone—and there are ways to better understand and support your experience.

Different Types of Desire

Sexual desire doesn’t look the same for everyone. Most people experience it in one of two main ways: spontaneous desire or responsive desire.

Spontaneous Desire
This is the type of desire often portrayed in movies and media—when the feeling seems to come out of nowhere. Imagine sitting in a café and suddenly having a sexual thought or urge or sitting next to your partner on the couch and suddenly feeling like having sex. Spontaneous desire is driven by anticipation and appears without any specific trigger. About two-thirds of men and one-third of women experience desire this way.

Responsive Desire
Responsive desire usually arises after some form of connection or physical closeness. It often doesn’t appear on its own but develops in the right emotional or physical setting—like cuddling, deep conversations, or simply feeling safe and relaxed. Around 5–10% of men and 20–60% of women experience desire this way.

Both types of desire are healthy and normal. Many people find their experience of desire shifts over time, especially moving from the excitement of a new relationship to the deeper intimacy of a long-term partnership.

What Affects Sexual Desire?

Many different aspects of our lives can influence our sexual desire. Here are some common factors that might decrease desire:

  • Stress: Studies show that stress affects up to 90% of people’s sexual desire. This stress can come from work, finances, relationships, or even worries about your own desire.

  • Pressure and Worry: Putting pressure on yourself to “fix” or increase your desire often creates more stress, which can actually lower desire further.

  • Life Changes: Major transitions—like moving in with a partner, changing jobs, having a baby, or relocating—can impact emotional energy and reduce sexual interest.

  • Mental Health: Conditions like depression and anxiety, as well as struggles with self-esteem or body image, can all contribute to a decrease in desire.

  • Sexual Health: Challenges with your sexual health, for example experiencing sexual pain, can also decrease desire.

Reconnecting with Your Sexual Desire

If you’re looking to reconnect with or improve your sexual desire, here are some helpful steps to consider:

  • Reduce Stress Where Possible: Start by identifying and minimising sources of stress in your life. While it’s not always possible to eliminate stress entirely, even small changes can make a difference.

  • Find Effective Ways to Manage Stress: When stress can’t be removed, explore activities that help you manage it—such as exercise, meditation, creative hobbies, or spending quality time with loved ones. Experiment to discover what works best for you.

  • Create the Right Environment: Reflect on the situations or settings that help you feel relaxed and open to pleasure. Then, try to incorporate more of these moments into your routine.

  • Communicate Openly: If you feel comfortable, talk with your partner about your feelings and experiences. Honest, supportive conversations can help reduce pressure and build intimacy.

  • Release the Pressure: Remember that fluctuations in sexual desire are a normal part of life, and changes don’t mean something is wrong with you.

  • Seek Professional Support: If you continue to struggle despite trying these strategies, consider reaching out to a therapist or healthcare professional who can provide personalised guidance and support.

 

Written by Clinical Psychologist Ashley Depasquale